


Ever Dream

by stella_polaris



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 02:21:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/717755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stella_polaris/pseuds/stella_polaris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happens when Sirius and Remus realise they care a bit more about each other than they thought. How long will it take them to work it out? Will they be able to let it happen? A Marauder story, set in their 6th year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: It all belongs to JKR, I own nothing and no one. I don't even own the title, that's stolen from a Nightwish song.
> 
> I wrote this a few years ago, so chances are you might have read it on FF.net.

_Friendship can survive without love._

_Love cannot live without friendship._

Sunday evening found the four Marauders sitting in the Gryffindor common room. James being very occupied with his girlfriend Lily, Sirius finishing an essay due for Potions the other day, Peter playing wizard chess with some fifth year and Remus sitting in an armchair by the fire, reading a book.

 

It was rather late already and gradually, the common room started to empty, James being the last one to say good-night to Remus and Sirius.

 

“You two’d better go to bed, too,” he commented, “Double Transfiguration tomorrow morning and I don’t think McGonagall would be pleased if you fell asleep in her class.”

 

“Yeah, whatever, Prongs. But I need to finish this.” Sirius pointed towards the parchment in front of him. “It wouldn’t take that long though if Moony wasn’t refusing to let me see his essay.”

 

“You can’t always copy my stuff,” Remus said without looking up from his book, “You can’t rely on me all the time.” He grinned.

 

“You’re just being mean.” Sirius huffed and continued writing.

 

“Hmm hmm…” Remus only hummed. The two of them hadn’t even noticed that James had left halfway during their banter.

 

“Yay! Done!” Sirius announced cheerfully half an hour later. Getting no answer from Remus, he looked up to see that the other boy had indeed fallen asleep over his book.

 

Sirius smiled and shook his head over his friend who would rather fall asleep reading than to lay aside a good book. He packed up all his stuff before he got up and walked over to Remus. For a brief moment, he wondered… was it just the warm glow of the firelight or had he just never realized that Remus was actually rather pretty?

 

‘Wait, where did that come from,’ Sirius thought. Since when did he think of other boys, of one of his best friends, as pretty? He dismissed that episode quickly. Gently, he shook Remus’ shoulder to wake him up.

 

“What?” the other boy said a little confused as he stirred.

 

“I bet your bed is more comfortable than that chair.” Sirius smiled.

 

“Oh… I fell asleep,” Remus realised and sat up.

 

“You obviously did.” Sirius went over to the table to pick up his parchment and book. “I just finished my essay and now I’ll go and sleep. You coming along?”

 

“Yeah.” Remus nodded and got up, wincing as he stretched.

 

Sirius brow creased and he looked at Remus worryingly. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

 

“Nothing,” the other boy dismissed, “Just feeling a bit sore…” He looked out of the window where the waning moon was partly hidden behind clouds. It had only been two days since the full moon.

 

“Hmmm…” Sirius pondered, thinking for a moment. “Want a massage?” he then offered, grinning playfully.

 

“What?” Remus retorted and laughed quietly.

 

“No, I mean it! Come over here.” Sirius plopped down on the sofa again and patted the place next to, or rather in front of him. “If you’re sore, a massage will help.” He nodded to accentuate his words.

 

“You never fail to amaze me, Sirius Black.” Remus shook his head but went to sit in front of his friend anyway, who started kneading the muscles in his shoulders.

 

“No wonder you feel sore, you’re absolutely tense,” Sirius commented.

 

“You’d be tense as well if you’d transformed into a wolf and back again…” Remus said quietly. He had closed his eyes and silently enjoyed the treatment he was getting from the dark haired boy.

 

Sirius refrained from answering to that, knowing that Remus never liked to talk about his “furry little problem”. But he was happy that he could at least help a bit and felt Remus relax under his touch.

 

“Are you gonna start purring as well?” he leant forward and whispered into Remus’ ear.

 

Remus couldn’t stop the shiver that ran down his spine. “Wolf. Not a kitten, Black.” He turned around and tried to glare at Sirius who just chuckled.

 

“Fair enough, I’m not a cat person, anyway.” He shrugged.

 

“Would have thought so,” the werewolf replied, “A cat wouldn’t go too well with the four of us anyway… Just imagine it would eat poor Peter.” He laughed and Sirius joined in.

 

“Yeah… but thank God he didn’t hear that. He’d be scared of us anyway,” Sirius explained and then let his hands fall to his side. “Enough pampering you for today,” he announced.

 

“It was just getting nice…” Remus pouted. He leaned back against Sirius and looked up at him.

 

“Don’t try the puppy eyes, that’s my trick,” Sirius said and then ruffled through Remus’ hair. “And I’ll really stop now. We don’t want you to get spoilt.” He winked.

 

Remus laughed. “Look who’s talking. You’re the spoilt one, I’d say,” he said to which Sirius nodded.

 

“Exactly and that’s why we don’t need any more spoilt people around. Now get up, I can’t go to bed if you’re half lying on top of me.”

 

“I’m not lying on top of you… I’m just leaning against you. Which is actually rather comfortable. I might just sleep here instead of going to bed,” Remus mused aloud and then smiled, “But since that would be weird, I’ll just get up.”

 

Remus got up from the sofa and went to pick up his book which was still lying on the armchair, leaving Sirius to look after him. Actually, he had felt rather comfortable as well, though he would never admit that. And Remus had only been joking anyway.

 

Sirius always enjoyed the time that the two of them spent together alone. With all four of them, it was different. There were always lots of jokes and James and him were always making up some plan or another… With him and Remus alone, everything was calmer. Remus alone seemed to have that effect on him and he liked it.

 

“You coming?” Remus asked, already standing at the staircase to their dormitory.

 

Sirius snapped out of his thoughts. “Yeah, sure,” he answered and followed the other boy up the stairs.


	2. Chapter 2

_There is no feeling more comforting and consoling_

_than knowing you are right next to the one you love._

A few days later, everything seemed back to normal. Sirius had dismissed his course of thoughts about Remus as a result of his tiredness that evening because since then, nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

 

After an extremely tiring day, with lots of homework and also Quidditch practice in James’ and Sirius’ case, the four friends had all gone to bed early. Sirius fell asleep almost the same moment his head hit the pillow. The three hours of Quidditch practice earlier had more or less finished him off. And a hard practice it had been, they were going to play against Slytherin next week and all of the team members were intent on winning. Especially Sirius was eager to win and triumph over his brother Regulus who had become the new seeker on the Slytherin team this year.

 

Some hours into the night, Sirius woke up again. He felt thirsty and got up from his bed to get himself a glass of water. As he was pouring water from the jug into a glass, he noticed the rustling of sheets. He turned around, looking at the other beds on which all the curtains were closed. It took him a moment to figure out that it was Remus who seemed to be thrashing around in his bed. Maybe the other boy just couldn’t sleep and was restless…

 

Sirius downed the contents of his glass and contemplated whether to go to bed again or to check on his friend… Still trying to make up his mind, Sirius heard Remus mutter something, apparently in his sleep. He was obviously dreaming. Sirius made his way over to the other boy’s bed and heard a gasp just before he got there.

 

“Remus? Are you awake?” he asked and peeked through the curtains.

 

Remus almost jumped at the sudden appearance of his friend. “Gods, Sirius, don’t scare me like that…” he said quietly.

 

Sirius pulled the curtain aside, just so much that he could slip through, and sat down next to Remus. “You okay?” he asked and was unable to hide the concern in his voice.

 

Remus nodded slowly. “Yes,” he replied, although his looks contradicted with his answer. Sirius noticed he looked sweaty and shaken… scared even.

 

Sirius wasn’t stupid, he could easily guess what had happened. “Bad dream?” he asked, although he already knew the answer. So when Remus nodded, he continued: “Want to talk about it, maybe…?” He was cut off by the other boy. “No,” Remus said quickly.

 

“Okay, then don’t…” Sirius shrugged, feeling a little rejected. It wasn’t like Remus to turn down help from his friends, not like that anyway.

 

Remus seemed to notice that his reply had sounded harsher than it was supposed to be… He sighed. “I’m sorry… I just… I really don’t want to talk about it. It’s bad enough as it is, I just don’t want to think about it anymore,” he explained.

 

Sirius nodded. “Was the dream about your furry little problem?” he asked.

 

“Yes…” Remus said in a whisper, almost too quiet to hear.

 

“Want me to talk about something else?” Sirius offered, “I could try to distract you.” He grinned.

 

In the semi-darkness, he saw a small smile flicker across Remus’ face. “No, you don’t need to… and you should go back to bed, it’s late and I’m only keeping you awake.”

 

“I don’t mind, really.” Sirius shrugged. “I was awake anyway, you didn’t wake me up or anything.”

 

“Thank goodness… did I… say something while I was asleep?” Remus looked at the dark haired boy questioningly.

 

“You mumbled something… but I didn’t understand, it was too quiet.”

 

Remus only nodded and didn’t say anything. After a few moments, Sirius set about getting up. “Well, if you don’t want to talk or anything… I’ll just go back to bed then.” He was already standing when he felt Remus’ fingers close around his wrist.

 

“Padfoot, would you mind if… if you stayed here? With me?” Remus’ hazel eyes looked up at Sirius, he looked extremely unsure. Sirius thought about how that look on his face made him seem a lot younger than he was… it made him look so vulnerable.

 

Sirius couldn’t help but smile. “No”, he shook his head, “No, I don’t mind at all. That’s what friends are for, right? Scoot over…”

 

He crawled under the blanket that Remus had lifted up and joined the other boy.

 

“Thank you,” Remus whispered, pulling the blanket over both of them, “You know… I can never fall asleep again after I had a nightmare. I think I’m afraid it might happen again.”

 

Sirius lay on his side, watching Remus. “I see…” he said, “But there’s no need to be afraid now. Let’s make a deal: if I notice you’re having a nightmare again, I’ll wake you up, okay?”

 

Remus smiled. “Sometimes I don’t even know what I did to deserve friends like this.” Sirius felt the smaller boy’s hand on his own, squeezing it for a second before letting go again.

 

“There’s nothing you did… I just care about you. We all do. And you know that,” he answered, “And now we sleep, I say. You may be able to sleep in tomorrow, but I have Quidditch practice tomorrow morning and James will kick my ass if I’m still sleepy.”

 

Remus chuckled. “I don’t want to be responsible for that… good night then”, he said and turned around, facing away from Sirius.

 

“Good night…”, Sirius replied and closed his eyes, falling asleep after only a few minutes.

 

During the early hours of morning, Sirius woke up again, noticing that Remus seemed restless. Not wanting to wake him up, though – he got little enough sleep as it was already – he just inched closer to the other boy and draped an arm around him, holding him close.

 

Sirius didn’t know what made him do that… he didn’t even think a lot. It was in the middle of the night, he was somehow still half asleep and it was more of an instinct. And it seemed to help, because Remus calmed down at once. Sirius pulled him a bit closer still, falling asleep again.

 

~*~

 

Remus was slightly confused when he woke up the next morning. Not only was he locked in an embrace with Sirius but he had also turned around while sleeping. The closeness surprised the boy when he opened his eyes. They lay in his bed, facing each other and Sirius was still holding him and the way his arm curled around Remus’ back, it seemed possessive even.

 

To his own surprise, Remus didn’t find the situation too awkward… it even felt good to be held like that. Sirius had kept his promise tonight, he had protected him from his nightmares.

 

Remus couldn’t resist the urge to reach out and brush a strand of black hair out of Sirius’ face. He looked at his friend, smiling when he thought about the mischieveous smile that could usually be seen on his face, along with glinting eyes. Now he just looked peaceful and even innocent…

 

Remus quickly pulled his hand back when he felt Sirius stir and saw him open his eyes a moment later. He wondered if he had already been awake a few moments earlier… He blushed as Sirius smiled at him. “Morning…” the dark haired boy mumbled and then yawned. “Did you sleep well? No more bad dreams?” he then proceeded to ask.

 

“No more bad dreams.” Remus returned the smile and then noticed that Sirius was still holding him and making no move to get further away from him either. He looked at his friend questioningly, but the only answer he got was a wide smile as Sirius leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Remus’ forehead.

 

“Stop thinking so much.” Sirius chuckled and then got up. “I’ll go and take a shower, since the others are still sleeping”, he said as he peered around the room, before he left the dormitory and went for the bathroom, leaving an even more confused Remus behind.


	3. Chapter 3

_Kisses are like tears,_

_the only real ones are the ones you can't hold back._

 

During the following week, a sort of agreement had developed between Remus and Sirius. Whenever Sirius noticed the other boy having a nightmare again, he would go over and wake him up, then stay with him for the rest of the night.

 

Sirius wondered why he hadn’t noticed about all of that earlier, because now he thought about it, it had been pretty obvious that Remus had gotten little to almost no sleep lately. He was happy to see that the other boy looked a lot healthier after a couple of nights with a normal amount of sleep.

 

The other boys knew about their new sleeping arrangements. James had noticed rather soon, but didn’t ask questions. When Sirius told him about Remus’ nightmares in a private moment, James had understood and nodded in approvement. And it wasn’t very much like Peter to question anything his friends did, anyway. If he found this strange, he kept his mouth shut about it.

 

Saturday was the day of the Quidditch match. The whole school was out on the Quidditch pitch to see what was easily the most anticipated match of the year. Both Gryffindor and Slytherin had excellent teams and it was probably down to which team was in better form today.

 

Remus and Peter were at the stands along with all their fellow Gryffindors, cheering their team on. The match started and for a long time, neither team was in the lead for a long time. It seemed to only depend on which Seeker caught the snitch.

 

Suddenly there was uproar among the Gryffindor supporters, one of their team members had just been hit by a bludger. That was part of the game, of course, but this had looked particularly nasty.

 

“Was that Sirius?!” Remus said to Peter.They were too far away to actually identify the players.

 

“I don’t know…” Peter was standing on tiptoe to get a better view. “Can’t see enough… it was one of our beaters though,” he added and craned his neck, only noticing that Remus wasn’t standing beside him anymore after a while. “Remus! Wait for me…” Peter called out as he followed his friend down to the pitch.

 

By the time the two of them had arrived down there, James had called for a time-out and the Gryffindor team members were landing one by one and descending from their broomsticks. Sirius was the last one to land, stumbling off his broom and letting his bat drop to the floor.

 

“Fucking bludger,” he cursed, “Almost knocked me off my broom!”

 

“Are you alright?” Remus asked. He and Peter had now joined the team at the edge of the pitch.

 

“Yeah… Takes more than a bludger to take me down.” Sirius grinned but then winced, clutching his arm. “Bloody hurts, though. I guess it’s broken,” he added.

 

James sighed. “I guess we’re one player short then?”

 

“Seems like it,” Sirius replied, “Sorry, mate.”

 

“We’ll kick their asses, anyway.” James winked. “And you’d better go and see Pomfrey.”

 

“What?! If I can’t play then I’ll watch at least! You can’t be serious,” Sirius protested.

 

“James is right, the sooner your arm gets healed, the better,” Remus agreed, grabbing Sirius’ uninjured arm and dragging him along, having to stand his whining about not seeing the rest of the match all the way up to the castle.

 

~*~

 

An hour later, Remus and Sirius left the infirmary. Sirius’ broken arm had been a piece of cake for Madam Pomfrey to heal and once she was sure everything was alright, she told the boys they could leave.

 

The news that Gryffindor had won the match had already reached them just as they had entered the castle, Sirius jumping up in triumph and dearly regretting that as he had temporarily forgotten his injured arm.

 

Now the two of them were on their way back to the common room to celebrate the victory of Gryffindor. “See, we even beat them with one player short!” Sirius said, “And you have to agree, it really is a loss when I’m missing…”

 

Remus laughed. “I don’t know…” he said, “Maybe it’s not such a bad thing to play without you. So at least your ego doesn’t get in the way.” He stuck out his tongue.

 

“My ego has the right to be as big as it is,” Sirius replied and then winked, “Hey, what about we make a detour to the kitchen? Get some butterbeer and other good stuff? Do you still have James’ cloak with you?”

 

“Yep.” Remus nodded. “Although I don’t know whether I should really support this, me being a Prefect and all… Shouldn’t I keep you from doing forbidden things?” He chuckled.

 

Sirius grinned and put his arm around the slightly smaller boy’s shoulder. “Ah… but you should know by now that I’m a hopeless case.”

 

“At least you admit it,” Remus answered, taking out the Invisibility Cloak from his robes and then, after checking that they were alone in the corridor, putting it over himself and Sirius.

 

It didn’t take them long to get to the kitchen and get everything they wanted there. The house-elves there loved them and were always happy to help. Remus sometimes felt like they were somehow exploiting the elves, but then again, they were happy to help them, right?

They were already out the kitchen for a while when they realised they had forgotten to put the cloak back on and suddenly heard a voice that was unmistakably that of the caretaker Mr Filch as he talked to his cat.

 

“He can’t see us with all the stuff,” Remus said, panicking slightly, “Shit, where did I put the cloak…”

 

Sirius, being a little more practical, looked around and saw a broom closet only a few feet away. “In here…” he said quietly and pulled Remus inside with him.

 

For a while, both of them only listened and waited for Filch to leave again. Until Remus realised something. He sighed. “Sirius, do you know where exactly we are?”

 

“Somewhere on the ground floor, why?” Sirius replied, before he understood what Remus wanted to say, “Oh… please don’t tell me we’re right outside Filch’s bloody office, are we?”

 

“Yep… and he just went in.” Remus peered through a crack in the door. “I think we have to wait till he leaves… even with the cloak, if he saw the door open, he’d know there’s someone here.”

 

Sirius groaned, letting his head fall forward against Remus’ shoulder. “Tough luck… But well, I could imagine worse things than being stuck in a broom closet with you.”

 

It was dark in the closet, but Remus could practically hear the grin on Sirius’ face. He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever…”

 

“Awww, you don’t believe me.” Sirius pouted.

 

“Believe what?” Remus asked. Sometimes, his friend was a complete mystery to him. For example when he said things like that. Was he simply teasing him? Did he mean it? And if he did, what exactly did it mean?

 

“That I like to be with you… well, maybe a broom closet is not the best of all locations… but sometimes you can’t choose,” Sirius explained.

 

Remus felt himself blush and was happy that it was dark enough so that Sirius wouldn’t notice. He simply didn’t get Sirius sometimes. He also didn’t know how to interpret his own reaction. There was no need to blush, of course his friends liked to be with him, they were his friends after all…

 

Suddenly, Remus became aware of how small the broom closet actually was and how close they were. Their bodies were touching and he could even feel Sirius’ breath on his face.

 

“You know I meant that, do you?” the dark haired boy asked now.

 

Remus nodded, momentarily forgetting that Sirius probably couldn’t see that. And suddenly it seemed like his heartbeat had taken on an unnaturally fast rhythm when he felt Sirius’ hand under his chin, lifting his face up. Remus squinted through the darkness, his eyes had adjusted to the dim light, so he could at least barely make out Sirius’ face in the dark.

 

His heart skipped a beat when he noticed Sirius lean forward towards him. He wasn’t going to…? Oh yes, he was. Sirius was kissing him. Sirius Black was really kissing him, Remus Lupin. For a moment, he didn’t react at all, too shocked by the course this had taken. Then he felt himself responding to the kiss, although it felt like he was standing beside himself, simply acting because this seemed liked the most plausible thing to do.

 

It was a sweet, innocent kiss and none of them were making a move to deepen it. And it was over as quickly as it had begun. Remus just stared at Sirius for a few seconds before Sirius started speaking: “Remus, I…”

 

“I think Filch is gone, it’s safe to leave now,” Remus cut him off, his voice sounding distant, even cold. He was confused. He didn’t want to hear any ‘I’m sorrys’ from Sirius or that he was merely curious. Because surely that had been his motive. Remus opened the door and left, not waiting for Sirius to catch up with him. He also didn’t look back as he made his way towards Gryffindor tower and the common room.

 

If he had done that, he would have seen the hurt expression on Sirius’ face.


	4. Chapter 4

_There was a time we reached towards the rainbow,_

_we touched it when it was too low._

 

Due to recent events things between Sirius and Remus had gotten a little awkward. Sirius didn’t dare to bring up the topic of their kiss again and Remus was obviously pretending it never happened. They still slept in the same bed a few times but Remus wouldn’t let Sirius as close to him as before.

 

Sirius was convinced that he had shocked his friend with that kiss. Why had he even kissed him? His brain must have switched off for a while. All he could say was that he had wanted to kiss Remus. But why, he didn’t know. After all he wasn’t gay. Or so he’d thought. Maybe he wasn’t as straight as he’d always thought he was? But how did you find out if you were gay? You couldn’t tell from one kiss… one very innocent kiss, in this case.

 

Sirius wished he could talk about it with someone… but there wasn’t anyone. He couldn’t talk about it with James, he’d probably think he was only joking or simply make fun of him, not taking it seriously. Remus was the one you could talk to about your problems. But he wasn’t an option now.

 

Distraction came a few days later in the form of James’ birthday. He was coming of age and after the last holidays he had brought back a bottle of Firewhiskey that no one was allowed to touch because it was reserved for the sole purpose of celebrating his seventeenth birthday.

 

The Marauders had waited in their dormitory until everyone else had gone to bed and then sneaked back down to the common room. Lily had joined them a little later, too. With the bottle being half empty, Peter had decided he’d had enough and went back to bed. A while after that, James and Lily had wandered off for a nightly stroll through the castle, protected by James’ Invisibility Cloak.

 

Which left Remus and Sirius alone in the common room, as well as the leftover contents in the bottle of Firewhiskey. Neither of them was really drunk but they were tipsy enough to forget about the awkwardness between them.

 

Remus was sitting on one of the comfy sofas and Sirius on the floor, leaning his back against the sofa.

 

“They do realise there won’t be anything left by the time they get back?” Sirius asked and took a swig of the whiskey.

 

Remus chuckled. “I think they have something else in mind right now.” He grinned and took the bottle from Sirius.

 

“Huh?” Sirius seemed confused. “Oh… that you mean… yeah, probably.”

 

They drank in silence for a while, passing the bottle back and forth between them. Then Sirius sighed. “Remus, I think we really need to talk.”

 

“Now?” Remus asked. “Shouldn’t we… like… do that tomorrow? When we’re sober?”

 

“No, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. And as for me, I’m not that drunk.” To be honest, Sirius felt that he probably wouldn’t have the confidence to bring up that issue again once he was sober. But he wouldn’t admit that. And when Remus stayed silent, he gathered up his courage and started talking.

 

“Look… I’m sorry I… did what I did the other day. I should have known that you wouldn’t like it and well, I wasn’t really thinking, I guess.” He looked at Remus expectantly, wondering what he’d say to that.

 

“Yeah, that sounds pretty much like you… not thinking,” Remus replied, “I know I was weird the last few days. I mean, I should have known that it wasn’t a big deal.” He shrugged his shoulders. When Sirius simply continued staring at him he added: “Right?”

 

Sirius got up from the floor and sat down next to Remus on the sofa. “I’m… well, actually I think it might be a big deal…”

 

Remus was confused. “What do you mean?”

 

Sirius was searching for the right words. “I didn’t really think about it, well, kissing you. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to do it.”

 

Remus sighed. “Sirius, if that’s supposed to be funny… well, it isn’t. And I’m also not up for any experiments you want to try.” He sounded angry and a little hurt.

 

“What?! You think I…? You really think this is just some game for me? Only fun?” Sirius couldn’t quite believe what he had just heard. “Remus… You know I wouldn’t do that, I wouldn’t want to hurt you!”

 

“Oh yes?” Remus voice sounded extremely bitter now. “Maybe you wouldn’t do it on purpose… but you know you’ve done it before. Just a few months ago.”

 

Sirius gasped. “Bringing that up is unfair and you know it.”

 

“So bringing it up is unfair… and doing it wasn’t? Sirius, I’m not your little play thing.”

 

“I apologized, Remus. About a hundred times and I meant it. I know it was wrong. I know I abused your trust but I thought you had forgiven me? And what does that thing with Snivellus back then have to do with us now? It’s not the same, for fuck’s sake!”

 

Remus shook his head. “I was just saying that you haven’t exactly made it easy for me to trust you this year.” He got up and started pacing the room.

 

“I know!” Sirius all but shouted. “But I thought we were over that… Remus, really. You know I didn’t mean to hurt you. I deeply regret what I did back then. If I could turn back time, you know I’d do things differently. But I can’t and that’s why you have to believe me.” Sirius got up as well and walked over to Remus, stopping right in front of him.

 

“I promise,” he said, taking both of Remus’  hands in his own, “That I’ll never hurt you again. Not willingly and I’ll also try to use my brain more before saying or doing things that might hurt you.”

 

Sirius didn’t know what made him say that. Of course he meant it but he was just spilling out all his feelings. He was risking so much and he knew it. Still he couldn’t keep it inside.

 

Remus locked eyes with Sirius. “Using your brain doesn’t sound too much like you.” The ghost of a smile was playing around his lips.

 

“I said I’ll try. And…” Sirius took a deep breath. “And you know. I only kissed you because I wanted to. And because somehow I was hoping your reaction would be a little different…” With that said, he let go of the smaller boy’s hands and sat down again.

 

Remus, though, remained rooted to the spot for a few moments. “How different?” he finally managed to ask.

 

Sirius closed his eyes. Did he really not understand? It wasn’t that difficult, was it? “For one, I didn’t want you to flee from me… and also… shit, this is difficult. Well maybe I thought you’d feel the same? That you might like kissing me?”

 

“Who told you I didn’t?” The sentence lingered in the air between them as their gazes met again and Remus slowly walked over to where Sirius sat. “I never said I didn’t want you to kiss me,” he said in a calm voice as Sirius simply continued to stare at him, “Just… don’t play with me, Sirius.”

 

This time, Sirius was the surprised one as Remus leant in to kiss him. Their faces only inches apart as he whispered: “Promise me you’re not playing with me.”

 

Sirius just shook his head, unable to form a coherent sentence, and closed the distance between them. This was heaven and he didn’t want to think at all. There would be time for more talking later, now was the time for kissing.

 

And kiss they did, a bit shyly at first but then soon deepening the kiss and only breaking apart for the sake of breathing. “I’m not playing with you, Remus,” Sirius said between more kisses. “I want you. I don’t know where this comes from… but I know I do.”

 

He looked at Remus who was smiling at him. “Feeling’s mutual,” the other boy said.

 

For a lack of words, Sirius simply kissed him again. The undertone had changed. Until now, everything had been slow and tentative. But gradually their kisses grew more passionate, their tongues stroking each other, battling for dominance. Remus’ hand in Sirius’ neck, pulling him closer and Sirius complying to that, shifting over until he couldn’t possibly be any closer without sitting on Remus’ lap.

 

Sirius felt himself growing hard. He was embarassed only for a second before he realised that Remus’ was very obviously equally turned on. He pushed the other boy backwards onto the sofa and shifted so he was above him.

 

“What… are you doing?” Remus asked, out of breath and also sounding a little uncertain.

 

“To be honest… I don’t know.” Sirius chuckled quietly. “The only thing I know is that we should do something about this.” Underlining his last few words, he ground his hips against Remus’, both of them moaning at the friction.

 

“Sirius… I don’t know… I don’t have a clue…” Remus started but was soon silenced by Sirius kissing him.

 

“Me neither.” He smiled. “Don’t be scared, this is just as new to me.”

 

And during another passionate kiss… and some more, they simply opted for ending this the way they had just started. Because neither of them had been with another guy before and they didn’t want to go too far on unknown territory. There was enough time to do that another time…

 

~*~

 

“Did both of us seriously come into our pants just now?” Remus said, amusement in his voice.

 

Sirius chuckled in response. “So what?”

 

They were still lying on the sofa, Sirius draped half-way over Remus because the piece of furniture had clearly not been designed for two people lying on it at the same time.

 

“You don’t regret this, do you?” Sirius looked up at Remus, who smiled at him.

 

“No,” he replied, “I don’t know where this is taking us and that scares me a bit… but I don’t regret it.”

 

“Good.” Sirius placed a chaste kiss on Remus’ lips. “Cos I was hoping there was some more to come…”


	5. Chapter 5

_A friend in need’s a friend indeed,_

_a friend who’ll tease is better._

 

“So when did you and James get back last night?” Remus asked Lily the other day. The two of them had gone to the library to sort out some essays that were due the following week. As usually, none of their friends had bothered to go and check for any books on the topics yet.

 

“Uhm… late,” she answered and gave him a cheeky grin. “We sort of forgot the time, you know.”

 

“Thought so,” Remus said as he took a book out of the shelf and skipped through the pages.

 

“Did we miss anything while we were gone?” Lily asked. “Hopefully, you and Sirius didn’t have too much fun without us?”

 

Remus looked over at Lily. Her tone sounded casual but still… this was suspicious. “Why do you ask?”

 

“Merely curious.” She shrugged her shoulders and smiled at him. “And well… I noticed you two seemed a bit weird during the last few days, did you fight about something?”

 

“Erm… no, we didn’t,” Remus replied. He wasn’t lying about that, they had not argued. But somehow, he knew that Lily wouldn’t be satisfied with that answer. How had she noticed anyway? It wasn’t like he and Sirius had ignored each other or something, they just hadn’t spend as much time together as they usually did.

 

“All the better then,” she only commented and carried a pile of books over to the nearest table where Remus joined her a few minutes later. They worked in silence for a while, flipping through books, marking passages and copying notes.

 

“Remus?” Lily suddenly asked.

 

“Hmm?” Remus answered, not looking up from a particularly old and dusty book in front of him.

 

“Are you in love with Sirius?”

 

“What?” Remus replied a little louder than necessary which earned him an annoyed look from some Ravenclaws sitting at a table a few feet away. “What?” he repeated, in a hushed voice this time, staring at Lily who just looked at him, giving him no clue about what she was thinking.

 

“Oh come on, Remus. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about,” she said a little teasingly. “It’s pretty obvious… the way you look at him and everything? We didn’t leave you two alone in the common room for no reason last night.”

 

“Wait,” Remus interrupted her. “Did you also talk with James about that?” As much as he usually valued his friends’ opinion, he wouldn’t be comfortable with her talking to James about this issue… just yet.

 

“You didn’t answer my question,” Lily said in a sing-song voice and looked at him questioningly.

 

“I thought you said it was so obvious?” Remus gave in and sighed. There was no way he could deny it anyway.

 

Lily smiled. “No, I didn’t talk about it with James.” She shook her head. “He just noticed as well that something between you was weird… and so we wanted to give you guys some time to talk in private.”

 

“Thanks, that was a good idea, actually.”

 

Lily’s eyebrows went up. “So… did you… talk?” she asked but the tone suggested that she wanted to know something entirely different.

 

“Lily, really… this is just weird. Don’t you think this is weird? Why did we skip the part where you think it’s strange that I fancy one of my best friends?” Remus asked. But this was so Lily… she just had a way of seeing through you and knowing exactly what you felt.

 

The red-haired girl giggled. “I don’t think it’s weird. To be honest, I think it’s really cute.”

 

“I’ll just pretend you didn’t say that…”

 

Lily laughed. “If that makes you happy. Come on, let’s go outside. I don’t think the library is the best place to talk.”

 

Remus nodded and after clearing away all the books and parchment, they left the library and went outside the castle.

 

They walked next to each other silently for a while before Lily spoke up again, “So did you talk with him yesterday?”

 

“Yes, sort of… not really, though. It was weird, at first we were arguing all of a sudden. None of us were really nice. I said things… I don’t know what made me say it. And somehow we went from fighting to kissing… and… well.” Remus didn’t want to go into detail.

 

“But you made up, right? You’re not still angry with each other?” Lily asked, concern obvious in her voice.

 

“Don’t think so.”

 

“Thank goodness.” Lily seemed relieved. “Remus, I have to tell you something… promise you won’t be mad at me?”

 

“Why should I be…?” Remus asked, a little confused.

 

“Well… I grew pretty tired of watching you two and when even James noticed there was something going on, I decided something had to be done. James relied on the alcohol to get you to talk with each other properly. Uhm… I wanted to be sure, though.”

 

Comprehension dawned on Remus. “What did you do, Lily?”

 

“It was nothing bad!” she said defensively. “I might have slipped a bit of Truth Potion into that last bit of Firewhiskey… It’s nothing bad, that stuff’s nowhere near as strong as, let’s say, Veritaserum and works completely different. Rather encourages you to speak your mind than force you to tell the truth. God, but I was so scared it’d go wrong and you’d end up hating each other.”

 

Remus shook his head unbelievingly. “Lily Evans, you are really unbelievable. No one apart from you would have such ideas.” He smiled at her. “I guess I owe you something.”

 

She smiled broadly and then hugged him. “So you and Sirius are together, then? I’ve been a good matchmaker?” She was practically bouncing.

 

Remus sighed. “I don’t know… we didn’t really talk about that…” he said quietly. He was actually dreading that part a bit. It was a weird situation and what if Sirius changed his mind?

 

“Don’t worry about that too much,” Lily assured him as though she had sensed his concerns. “Judging by the way he looks at you… There’s no way he feels differently about this than you do.” She winked.

 

“I’ll hold you to that.”

 

~*~

 

“Lily did what?” Sirius said when Remus told him about his talk with Lily. “That girl’s really quite something. I understand more and more why James has been chasing after her for the past few years…”

 

“So you’re not mad at her?” Remus asked, just to be sure.

 

“Totally not. She helped us, didn’t she?” Sirius flopped down on his bed, motioning for Remus to join him, which he did.

 

“Sirius… now that Lily already knows, when d’you reckon we should tell the others?” Remus said, leaning back and staring at the bed’s canopy above him.

 

Sirius lay down next to him, looking at the other boy. “Do you want to tell them?”

 

“I don’t know… not yet?” Remus suggested, sounding unsure.

 

Sirius thought for a moment and then nodded. “Sounds good to me. Let’s just get used to this ourselves first.” He chuckled quietly.

 

“What’s so funny?” Remus looked at Sirius quizzically, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Isn’t it strange that Lily had us figured out before we even knew ourselves?” Sirius said.

 

“Hmm… I was convinced you could never want me…” Remus replied in almost a whisper.

 

“Tsk… silly,” Sirius retorted and leant forward to kiss the other boy. “Actually, I don’t understand why _anyone_ could not want you.” He smiled.

 

“Stop that…” Remus looked away, blushing.

 

“I don’t see why I should.” Sirius grinned. “I’m merely telling the truth. You’re amazing, Remus Lupin. And besides, I think it’s really cute when you get embarrassed like that.”

 

“Oh, you think so?” Remus didn’t seem too convinced.

 

“Most definitely!” Sirius replied enthusiastically and captured Remus’ lips in a tender kiss.

 

“You can’t just always kiss me whenever I disagree with you,” Remus stated when they parted, looking at the other boy with his eyes half-closed.

 

Sirius smirked. “But I can try,” he replied, closing the short distance between them once more.


	6. Chapter 6

_Would you do it with me?_   
_Heal the scars and change the stars._   
_Would you do it for me?_   
_Turn loose the heaven within._

 

Several weeks had passed and surprisingly, not too many things had changed for Sirius and Remus. They had gone from best friends to lovers. Sirius wondered if his earlier relationships with girls never worked out because he was more into guys or because they just hadn’t connected as much as he did with Remus. Being with someone who really knew you could be annoying, but most of the time it just made things a whole lot easier.

 

Sirius still hadn’t made up his mind about his sexual orientation. Was he gay? Or bisexual? But honestly, who cared? He didn’t want to be with anyone besides Remus anyway.

 

Apart from Lily, no one knew about their relationship, though. Up until now, both of them hadn’t been ready for that. Realising that you’re in love with one of your best mates and be with him was one thing. Coming out to everybody else was something entirely different. And they weren’t so sure everyone would take it as positively as Lily had done.

 

At noon, they were sitting in the Great Hall. Lunch was finished and they still had quite some time left before the afternoon classes were about to start.

 

Sirius checked if anyone was paying attention to them. But James was talking to Lily and Peter was still eating his dessert. Sirius leaned closer towards Remus. “Let’s go up to the dorm,” he whispered into the other boy’s ear. “No one’s up there now…” He wriggled his eyebrows and placed his hand on Remus’ knee under the table.

 

Remus laughed quietly. “You can’t be serious,” he whispered back.

 

“I’m dead serious.” Sirius nodded and slowly let his hand wander upwards on Remus’ leg who shifted a little in his seat. “And if you don’t go with me, I might have to kiss you here and now… and do some other things as well,” he said quietly, speaking with a tone in his voice that he knew would drive Remus crazy.

 

“And what’s our excuse for leaving?” Remus asked and looked at Sirius, eyebrows raised.

 

Sirius just grinned and then started rummaging through his bag. “I think I lost my Potions book… did you see it somewhere?” he said and looked at Remus.

 

Remus, playing along, pretended to think for a moment. “Didn’t you use it for your essay yesterday? In the common room?” he suggested.

 

Sirius nodded. “Right… must be there somewhere,” he said and got up, winking at Remus.

 

“I’ll help you look for it,” Remus added, getting up from the table as well. “See you guys later,” he told their friends.

 

The answer was a nod from Peter and an ‘okay’ from James. Sirius and Remus left the Great Hall and started laughing once they were outside.

 

“Sometimes I’m really amazed at how easily convinced our friends are,” Sirius said.

 

“Yeah… but then Peter would believe anything we say and James… well…” Remus trailed off.

 

“He’s too busy thinking about Lily these days,” Sirius finished for him.

 

The corridors of the castle were deserted, all the other students were down in the Great Hall. And so Sirius dared to take Remus’ hand into his own, entwining their fingers, as they made their way to Gryffindor tower.

 

The time they had had together so far was scarce. Of course they spent a lot of time together like they always did. But then James and Peter were with them most of the time and they couldn’t make up excuses to trail off alone too often.

 

The times they had been together it was usually late at night when everyone else was fast asleep and one of the two would crawl into the other’s bed (thank goodness for silencing charms). But those nights didn’t seem to be enough anymore and so they had started to wander off alone whenever they got the chance, spending their free periods down by the lake (where nobody else would go at the moment, it was still rather cold for the middle of April) or in empty classrooms.

 

They found the common room to be empty when they climbed through the portrait hole. And once the portrait had swung closed, Sirius kissed Remus, pulling him close.

 

“Not down here,” Remus said when they parted, taking Sirius’ hand and leading them up to their dormitory. Lips locked again, they tumbled down onto Sirius’ bed.

 

“I don’t want to hide anymore,” Sirius said thoughtfully a little while later.

 

Remus looked at him. “You want to tell them?” He didn’t sound too convinced.

 

“Not everybody… but at least our friends. It would make things so much easier…” Sirius explained.

 

Remus nodded. “It scares me, though…” he admitted quietly, looking down and playing with a loose thread on the bedcover.

 

Sirius smiled and reached out to stroke across Remus’ cheek with his thumb. “Me, too,” he said, “But you’re more important to me than anything someone else could say or think.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Definitely.”

 

They shifted closer to each other, sharing a kiss that soon turned from sweet to passionate. Their hands roaming the other one’s body, exploring, teasing. Items of clothing were removed until there was nothing left between them, only skin on skin.

 

So far, their sexual encounters had only consisted of rubbing against each other or an occasional handjob, all for the sake of being together and getting each other off, no matter how. Neither of them had had the courage to try anything else so far.

 

But this time, Sirius had something else in mind as he trailed kisses over Remus’ body.

 

“What are you doing?” Remus’ voice sounded surprised.

 

Sirius only grinned up at him, not bothering to answer the question but rather intent on showing Remus what he had in mind. And suddenly, Sirius’ mouth was down there and it was doing wonderful things to him. Remus literally stopped thinking and closed his eyes, letting his head fall down onto the pillow.

 

Remus knew he wouldn’t last long because Sirius just seemed to be a natural talent, sucking and flicking his tongue in just the right places. It only took a few more minutes before Remus reached his orgasm, quietly moaning Sirius’ name as he came.

 

While Remus still tried to catch his breath again, Sirius moved up to him again, bending down to kiss him. As they kissed, Remus could taste himself… it was weird, but not as bad as he had thought and he knew that he would definitely return the favour for Sirius. Not right now… but they still had lots of time.

 

Without breaking the kiss, Remus reached down and started stroking Sirius’ cock, bringing the other boy to his release.

 

They lay in each other’s arms, sweaty and sticky from their previous actions, but they didn’t care. They kissed deeply, but slow and languid this time, simply relishing the closeness and that everything felt so perfect in this very moment.

 

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Remus whispered and smiled.

 

Sirius chuckled. “To be honest? I can’t believe it either. I was so nervous,” he admitted.

 

“You didn’t have to…”

 

“But I wanted to,” Sirius said honestly, cuddling up to Remus and kissing him on the cheek.

 

“What time is it, anyway? Shouldn’t we…” Remus started, but stopped in the middle of the sentence when he heard voices outside the door.

 

“James, I really think you should…” they heard Lily say before the door opened and James stood in the doorway. “… knock before you go in,” Lily finished the sentence while James seemed to be frozen in his place and was simply staring at them for a moment before he quickly put his hand over his eyes.

 

“I think I’ve just gone blind!” he declared and Lily broke into a fit of giggles. “I mean, not like I didn’t suspect this anyways but there was really no need to see it.” He backed out of the room without lifting his hand. “At least close the fucking curtains next time!” James stated.

 

“Or you could just listen to what your girlfriend tells you and knock before you enter a room,” Sirius retorted, pulling up the blanket over himself and Remus.

 

“You’re the reason I might have to scourgify my eyes now!” James called from halfway down the stairs but they could hear that he wasn’t as annoyed as his words sounded.

 

“Leave him to me,” Lily said. “I really don’t think he has a problem with you guys. Oh and by the way, you have a nice ass, Sirius.” She winked and then closed the door, following James down the stairs.

 

“Tsk…” Remus commented. “That ass and the rest of you is mine, though.”

 

Sirius laughed. “Very true.” He nodded.

 

“Well… at least we don’t have to worry about how to tell James anymore…” Remus said with a sigh. “Although I can’t think of anything more embarrassing than this.”

 

“You have to admit, the look on James’ face was priceless, though!” Sirius said.

 

“It was…” Remus agreed and both of them started laughing.

 

Sirius put his hand in Remus’ neck to pull him in for an endearing kiss. They stayed close to each other as they broke apart, their faces mere inches apart.

 

“I love you,” Sirius whispered, his grey eyes locked with Remus’ hazel ones.

 

Remus looked perplexed for a few seconds before a smile spread over his face. “I love you, too,” he whispered back, burying his head in the crook of Sirius’ neck and snuggling against him.

 

_Ever felt away with me,_   
_just once that all I need,_   
_entwined in finding you one day._

_Ever felt away without me,_   
_my love, it lies so deep,_   
_ever dream of me._


End file.
